My day was half-way productive. I managed to get out of bed and go to class, but I chickened out after chemistry. Why? Well I had a break for 3 hours went home to pay my rent. I just didn't leave. I couldn't get up. I started off calling a few doctors about random things, making appointments to get my car fixed (my poor little broken bunny..) to try and continue my wave of productivity.
THEN- I slipped into my corset and petticoat, did some cleaning (yes, there was a feather duster involved). I went through my closet to see if I could put together a pirate costume for the Ren fest this year, and I think managed to do a decent job. I need a really big feather for my hat, a few crazy jewelry things, and a sword. But for the most part my entire costume is coming out of my closet. AWESOME. I belong in the circus. I also figured out my halloween costume, catholic school girl! woot. I know it's super easy and cheating, but I don't care. It saves me money so I can spend it on other things. like beer. LOL
Then the creation of the cards began.
A few days ago I realized that letters are like long-distant hugs. They are sincere, warm, genuine, and heartfelt just like hugs!! Even though the practice of mail correspondence is nearly or at least believed to be extinct, there are quite a few trying to keep it alive! I am one of the few. Writing letters is the perfect way to send something special your closest friends and loved ones! I know every time I get a letter I save it (unless it's junk mail or coupons.. well sometimes I even save the coupons LOL). It always brightens my day. ((SIDEBAR: when I was a little girl, I used to think that bubbles were so beautiful that they would bring joy to those who were sad. So I used to stand at the end of my driveway blowing bubbles for hours, hoping that it would make some sad person, at least a little happier.)) Anyways, here are a few examples of what I ended up making!!
THEN- I slipped into my corset and petticoat, did some cleaning (yes, there was a feather duster involved). I went through my closet to see if I could put together a pirate costume for the Ren fest this year, and I think managed to do a decent job. I need a really big feather for my hat, a few crazy jewelry things, and a sword. But for the most part my entire costume is coming out of my closet. AWESOME. I belong in the circus. I also figured out my halloween costume, catholic school girl! woot. I know it's super easy and cheating, but I don't care. It saves me money so I can spend it on other things. like beer. LOL
Then the creation of the cards began.
A few days ago I realized that letters are like long-distant hugs. They are sincere, warm, genuine, and heartfelt just like hugs!! Even though the practice of mail correspondence is nearly or at least believed to be extinct, there are quite a few trying to keep it alive! I am one of the few. Writing letters is the perfect way to send something special your closest friends and loved ones! I know every time I get a letter I save it (unless it's junk mail or coupons.. well sometimes I even save the coupons LOL). It always brightens my day. ((SIDEBAR: when I was a little girl, I used to think that bubbles were so beautiful that they would bring joy to those who were sad. So I used to stand at the end of my driveway blowing bubbles for hours, hoping that it would make some sad person, at least a little happier.)) Anyways, here are a few examples of what I ended up making!!
Inside of each of them were cute little sayings that sort of matched the outside of the card. Cute? I think so. But would anyone buy those?? Could I sell them on etsy? Hmmmm..
I've also knitted two bibs (for Kevin's baby girl) and I'm working on the third. They're all different shades of purples. When I finish the last one I'll post pictures. That pretty much does it for my knitting projects.
After I flipped through the glamour magazine, I decided to rip it up and make collages out of them. I was thinking about using some of my other posters. I also want to plant a few things outside my apartment (even if it's just basil and a few flowers). I also want to make a wind chime!!! And possibly, in the spirit of Halloween, carve a pumpkin!!
In other news my brother berated me about how I've squandered my voice and he has encouraged me to start practicing and possibly talk to the head of the jazz department at U of H.
I just had the WORST temptation: to get a twitter account. oh god. my soul.
so random: Blogger definitely told me that they had closed this account, so I opened up another and I was kind of bummed about having to start anew. When I clicked on it to edit this post I started this weekend, my old blog was back again!! YAY! I don't know how it happened, but I will sacrifice a few n00bs to the google god of the intwebz for bringing it back to me!!
I went into Yarns2Ewe today to talk with the owner about possibly picking up a few hours here and there. She explained to me the reality of a yarn shop: no one really needs them; it's completely for the love of knitting/crocheting. I wanted to open up my own yarn shop and told Michelle about it who quickly told me it would be a nearly impossible financial feat (considering that yarn isn't exactly business worthy). LOL! Since then, I've had her words stuffed somewhere in the back of my mind, but today I saw what she meant. I could have been discouraged by this; the owner was basically telling me that she doesn't really have room on the pay roll/ schedule to really hire someone else. I'm still optimistic about the possibilities!! :B one day, Teresa and I will have our yarn shop/ alpaca farm!! IT WILL BE GLORIOUS!!
Moving on to other business: I have some school work to catch up on and yet I'm wasting my time on the internet. But I have to wonder if maybe it's better for my mental health to let out some metaphorical steam via blogging/writing every once in a while. U of H is okay. I miss New Orleans something awful, and all of the people there. I know I shouldn't dwell on it but I can't help thinking about it even from the day to day situations. It's nice having my own apartment, but it can get a bit lonely. Which is why I'm trying to pick up a few hours at the yarn shop (and why I SHOULD be doing homework). Every time I even think about sitting down to do homework, I think of 20 great art projects I would love to finish.. Alas.. I have to make a living and graduate college. I've already wasted away 2-3 years. It's pathetic. BTW I've come to terms with that. Well sort of. I would much rather be in NOLA finish up any old stupid degree and then start teaching. More than that I would like to own a yarn shop. Even more than that I would like to be a famous jazz singer. :sigh: so much ambition, no follow through. That's my problem.
Oh well. Off to try and work on the follow through (and homework) :"C
wish me luck!
I went into Yarns2Ewe today to talk with the owner about possibly picking up a few hours here and there. She explained to me the reality of a yarn shop: no one really needs them; it's completely for the love of knitting/crocheting. I wanted to open up my own yarn shop and told Michelle about it who quickly told me it would be a nearly impossible financial feat (considering that yarn isn't exactly business worthy). LOL! Since then, I've had her words stuffed somewhere in the back of my mind, but today I saw what she meant. I could have been discouraged by this; the owner was basically telling me that she doesn't really have room on the pay roll/ schedule to really hire someone else. I'm still optimistic about the possibilities!! :B one day, Teresa and I will have our yarn shop/ alpaca farm!! IT WILL BE GLORIOUS!!
Moving on to other business: I have some school work to catch up on and yet I'm wasting my time on the internet. But I have to wonder if maybe it's better for my mental health to let out some metaphorical steam via blogging/writing every once in a while. U of H is okay. I miss New Orleans something awful, and all of the people there. I know I shouldn't dwell on it but I can't help thinking about it even from the day to day situations. It's nice having my own apartment, but it can get a bit lonely. Which is why I'm trying to pick up a few hours at the yarn shop (and why I SHOULD be doing homework). Every time I even think about sitting down to do homework, I think of 20 great art projects I would love to finish.. Alas.. I have to make a living and graduate college. I've already wasted away 2-3 years. It's pathetic. BTW I've come to terms with that. Well sort of. I would much rather be in NOLA finish up any old stupid degree and then start teaching. More than that I would like to own a yarn shop. Even more than that I would like to be a famous jazz singer. :sigh: so much ambition, no follow through. That's my problem.
Oh well. Off to try and work on the follow through (and homework) :"C
wish me luck!
Right as my computer died I had a few really prominent thoughts that I felt had to be written. Although I may have screwed up again, it is a lesser of all the mistakes I have made in my life. I am not doing anything harmful to myself. I do not think about it. I do not want to die. In fact I would say I'm pretty happy. There have been some problems however: I sort of don't care about things, but it the best way possible! I'm not upset when something bad happens. But at the same time I'm not really motivated to do much of anything. It's funny I see myself doing things like taking pictures, and being happy with the creative process. In fact I hardly ever think down on myself.. in fact I would say almost never!! I am pretty happy with who I am. I see what I create and I say to myself "wow that was really good!" I see myself in the mirror and I say.. I look pretty good. I take care of myself (for the most part.. sometimes I don't do laundry as often as I should, but I shower daily, I take my pills, I brush my teeth etc.) So what is my failing then? I'm having problems going to classes. I guess a little part of me doesn't care about going to them but the real reason I can't keep going to them is actually incredibly irrational. I feel that I've skipped to many, and my attendance is less than perfect. Because I've already screwed up I feel like I can't go back and fix any of it. However I don't feel hopeless like I usually do in this situation. Which I also think is a relatively good thing. Even though I said I don't really care that much, I do. I hate to think what the professors think about me, and that I've probably lost their respect. But at the same time I don't let it weigh me down to depression.
I see myself slipping a little, but I want to finish college. I don't want to be that person who didn't graduate. Honestly I don't know what I want my major to be. I kind of have a relative idea of what I want to do as a career but at the same time I have absolutely no idea.
I'm actually considering that maybe since I've had a switch in hormones (aka pregnancy) I might no longer need the prozac. but I don't know for certain if that's it. I haven't had a med check in years now. And maybe this slight lack of motivation is actually because I'm happy and the pills are making me a little too comfortable? I think that's the word I'm looking for. I've basically become neutral almost? but not.. I mean I do care, and I'm happy so it isn't neutral. Content is the best thing I can think of. but that's not quite it either..
anyways. so there are some things that need to be done, things that need to be discussed.. and other things that need to be enforced so to speak. I need to think about other things too..
I see myself slipping a little, but I want to finish college. I don't want to be that person who didn't graduate. Honestly I don't know what I want my major to be. I kind of have a relative idea of what I want to do as a career but at the same time I have absolutely no idea.
I'm actually considering that maybe since I've had a switch in hormones (aka pregnancy) I might no longer need the prozac. but I don't know for certain if that's it. I haven't had a med check in years now. And maybe this slight lack of motivation is actually because I'm happy and the pills are making me a little too comfortable? I think that's the word I'm looking for. I've basically become neutral almost? but not.. I mean I do care, and I'm happy so it isn't neutral. Content is the best thing I can think of. but that's not quite it either..
anyways. so there are some things that need to be done, things that need to be discussed.. and other things that need to be enforced so to speak. I need to think about other things too..
What do I do to relax?
What do you want to do as a career?
What do you like to eat?
What kind of people do you like to be around?
What do you like the least?
What is your idea of a perfect date?
Where would you like to visit?
I'm fairly certain that I can't answer most of those questions.
What do you want to do as a career?
What do you like to eat?
What kind of people do you like to be around?
What do you like the least?
What is your idea of a perfect date?
Where would you like to visit?
I'm fairly certain that I can't answer most of those questions.
do I want to die? or do I just think that it's bad right now and I'm panicking? is this legit? or am I just another whiny emo punk ass kid? I don't want to be sad. no one likes the sad me. I don't want it to happen again, I really don't.. sometimes I just get so caught up in the small shit that I get messed up. I don't want to be sad.
I don't know. I just feel helpless and guilty and horrible I guess
horrible because it all honesty I'm not helpless
guilty that I try and excuse my behavior with "helplessness."
I don't know. I just feel helpless and guilty and horrible I guess
horrible because it all honesty I'm not helpless
guilty that I try and excuse my behavior with "helplessness."
I can't tell if I'm doing this to myself because I can't stand where I am, or if I'm bored, or if I truly don't care, or if I'm trying to ruin myself. I legitimately don't know. all I know is that I'm showing signs of depression again. I don't know if I'm actually depressed or I just choose to do these things and enjoy them. I mean I really can't tell. maybe I'm just using the depression as an excuse to get away with the things I know I shouldn't be doing. maybe I'm just full of lies and mistakes. I can't figure out my own intentions. That's pretty bad right? I mean if any one is going to know, it has to be me. maybe I'm just set on repeat and this is only a bigger badder version of things I've already done. I don't know. I know that I should be aware of all these things.
I don't actually feel depressed I don't think but then again maybe I just haven't pushed myself far enough.
see the problem is the catholic guilt. I'm already starting to feel it come creeping up. and soon that will be the only thing that I feel. it will warp into this horrible monster and then continue to consume me, devour me until there is absolutely nothing left. and then I will feel alone. well I guess that has already kicked in. I feel terribly alone. I seriously considered things I haven't done in years. YEARS! I don't want to go back. but at the same time I feel stuck like I can't go forward. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and uneasy. I feel trapped and confused. I feel like I'm suffocating. and I can feel myself panic because of it. I'm aware that I'm sinking and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know if I want to stop it. maybe being aware means I want to stop it? I'm not sure. I don't want to go down that road again, but I feel like I don't have any options: either quit altogether, or sabotage myself beyond recognition.
if all I really want is to be happy.. then I should be able to achieve that. however I don't just want to be happy. I want those around me to be happy with me. I want them to be happy at me be proud of me to know me.
if I am depressed, then how long has it been? how much of what I've done is considered to be part of the depressed me?
I have no one to blame but myself. (see the guilt is back on schedule)
the only person who can change my situation is me. I know this for certain. and yet I feel helpless. I feel like a victim. I think part of my brain wants me to feel that, so I can excuse myself. maybe I just use the depression as an excuse.
what really makes me happy? what do I really want to do?
do I really think he raped me? do I act rash sexually as some sort of penance to him? do I regret giving her away? do I wish that my parents would have really supported me no matter what? do I resent them for that? do I use her to create a false sense of sadness in myself? do I use her to make me feel like a victim???
I don't actually feel depressed I don't think but then again maybe I just haven't pushed myself far enough.
see the problem is the catholic guilt. I'm already starting to feel it come creeping up. and soon that will be the only thing that I feel. it will warp into this horrible monster and then continue to consume me, devour me until there is absolutely nothing left. and then I will feel alone. well I guess that has already kicked in. I feel terribly alone. I seriously considered things I haven't done in years. YEARS! I don't want to go back. but at the same time I feel stuck like I can't go forward. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and uneasy. I feel trapped and confused. I feel like I'm suffocating. and I can feel myself panic because of it. I'm aware that I'm sinking and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know if I want to stop it. maybe being aware means I want to stop it? I'm not sure. I don't want to go down that road again, but I feel like I don't have any options: either quit altogether, or sabotage myself beyond recognition.
if all I really want is to be happy.. then I should be able to achieve that. however I don't just want to be happy. I want those around me to be happy with me. I want them to be happy at me be proud of me to know me.
if I am depressed, then how long has it been? how much of what I've done is considered to be part of the depressed me?
I have no one to blame but myself. (see the guilt is back on schedule)
the only person who can change my situation is me. I know this for certain. and yet I feel helpless. I feel like a victim. I think part of my brain wants me to feel that, so I can excuse myself. maybe I just use the depression as an excuse.
what really makes me happy? what do I really want to do?
do I really think he raped me? do I act rash sexually as some sort of penance to him? do I regret giving her away? do I wish that my parents would have really supported me no matter what? do I resent them for that? do I use her to create a false sense of sadness in myself? do I use her to make me feel like a victim???
I feel a shadow or shroud just pushing down on me. I'm feeling sad. I don't want to go back. but right now.. it almost seems worth it.
deception is such a nasty idea. I really hate it. why do people run around saying one thing and doing something completely different? just give me the truth. I realize that more often than not the truth hurts. I hate pain just as much as the next person. but lying. I just can't stand it. I can deal with those other stupid things. but now I just can't trust you. what's worse is that I don't think I want to anymore either.
So talking happened with people and things have been straightened out. I'm very glad. much relief. yadda yadda.
I think I shall go to the knitting group at zotz later tonight. YAY FOR KNITTING!
YAY for getting things organized and less stressssssssed!!
I think I shall go to the knitting group at zotz later tonight. YAY FOR KNITTING!
YAY for getting things organized and less stressssssssed!!
So I pretty much failed my Spanish test. I definitely took on way too much when I said I could do this class. I am feeling really gloomy about it. I woke up at 5:45 to take a shower and study but then accidentally fell asleep again at 7:30 and BARELY woke up in time to go take the test. I was really upset about the whole thing. I had planned on finishing my homework then too. So I not prepared for either class today.
In other news you can put facebook language settings to pirate. that was tres amusing! blah blah.. anywho I've made some appointments to meet with people and talk about what to do - yadda yadda..
anywho I have to get ready to go to one of those meetings.. laterz
peace out.
In other news you can put facebook language settings to pirate. that was tres amusing! blah blah.. anywho I've made some appointments to meet with people and talk about what to do - yadda yadda..
anywho I have to get ready to go to one of those meetings.. laterz
peace out.
