do I want to die? or do I just think that it's bad right now and I'm panicking? is this legit? or am I just another whiny emo punk ass kid? I don't want to be sad. no one likes the sad me. I don't want it to happen again, I really don't.. sometimes I just get so caught up in the small shit that I get messed up. I don't want to be sad.
I don't know. I just feel helpless and guilty and horrible I guess
horrible because it all honesty I'm not helpless
guilty that I try and excuse my behavior with "helplessness."
I don't know. I just feel helpless and guilty and horrible I guess
horrible because it all honesty I'm not helpless
guilty that I try and excuse my behavior with "helplessness."
I can't tell if I'm doing this to myself because I can't stand where I am, or if I'm bored, or if I truly don't care, or if I'm trying to ruin myself. I legitimately don't know. all I know is that I'm showing signs of depression again. I don't know if I'm actually depressed or I just choose to do these things and enjoy them. I mean I really can't tell. maybe I'm just using the depression as an excuse to get away with the things I know I shouldn't be doing. maybe I'm just full of lies and mistakes. I can't figure out my own intentions. That's pretty bad right? I mean if any one is going to know, it has to be me. maybe I'm just set on repeat and this is only a bigger badder version of things I've already done. I don't know. I know that I should be aware of all these things.
I don't actually feel depressed I don't think but then again maybe I just haven't pushed myself far enough.
see the problem is the catholic guilt. I'm already starting to feel it come creeping up. and soon that will be the only thing that I feel. it will warp into this horrible monster and then continue to consume me, devour me until there is absolutely nothing left. and then I will feel alone. well I guess that has already kicked in. I feel terribly alone. I seriously considered things I haven't done in years. YEARS! I don't want to go back. but at the same time I feel stuck like I can't go forward. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and uneasy. I feel trapped and confused. I feel like I'm suffocating. and I can feel myself panic because of it. I'm aware that I'm sinking and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know if I want to stop it. maybe being aware means I want to stop it? I'm not sure. I don't want to go down that road again, but I feel like I don't have any options: either quit altogether, or sabotage myself beyond recognition.
if all I really want is to be happy.. then I should be able to achieve that. however I don't just want to be happy. I want those around me to be happy with me. I want them to be happy at me be proud of me to know me.
if I am depressed, then how long has it been? how much of what I've done is considered to be part of the depressed me?
I have no one to blame but myself. (see the guilt is back on schedule)
the only person who can change my situation is me. I know this for certain. and yet I feel helpless. I feel like a victim. I think part of my brain wants me to feel that, so I can excuse myself. maybe I just use the depression as an excuse.
what really makes me happy? what do I really want to do?
do I really think he raped me? do I act rash sexually as some sort of penance to him? do I regret giving her away? do I wish that my parents would have really supported me no matter what? do I resent them for that? do I use her to create a false sense of sadness in myself? do I use her to make me feel like a victim???
I don't actually feel depressed I don't think but then again maybe I just haven't pushed myself far enough.
see the problem is the catholic guilt. I'm already starting to feel it come creeping up. and soon that will be the only thing that I feel. it will warp into this horrible monster and then continue to consume me, devour me until there is absolutely nothing left. and then I will feel alone. well I guess that has already kicked in. I feel terribly alone. I seriously considered things I haven't done in years. YEARS! I don't want to go back. but at the same time I feel stuck like I can't go forward. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and uneasy. I feel trapped and confused. I feel like I'm suffocating. and I can feel myself panic because of it. I'm aware that I'm sinking and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know if I want to stop it. maybe being aware means I want to stop it? I'm not sure. I don't want to go down that road again, but I feel like I don't have any options: either quit altogether, or sabotage myself beyond recognition.
if all I really want is to be happy.. then I should be able to achieve that. however I don't just want to be happy. I want those around me to be happy with me. I want them to be happy at me be proud of me to know me.
if I am depressed, then how long has it been? how much of what I've done is considered to be part of the depressed me?
I have no one to blame but myself. (see the guilt is back on schedule)
the only person who can change my situation is me. I know this for certain. and yet I feel helpless. I feel like a victim. I think part of my brain wants me to feel that, so I can excuse myself. maybe I just use the depression as an excuse.
what really makes me happy? what do I really want to do?
do I really think he raped me? do I act rash sexually as some sort of penance to him? do I regret giving her away? do I wish that my parents would have really supported me no matter what? do I resent them for that? do I use her to create a false sense of sadness in myself? do I use her to make me feel like a victim???
