Right as my computer died I had a few really prominent thoughts that I felt had to be written. Although I may have screwed up again, it is a lesser of all the mistakes I have made in my life. I am not doing anything harmful to myself. I do not think about it. I do not want to die. In fact I would say I'm pretty happy. There have been some problems however: I sort of don't care about things, but it the best way possible! I'm not upset when something bad happens. But at the same time I'm not really motivated to do much of anything. It's funny I see myself doing things like taking pictures, and being happy with the creative process. In fact I hardly ever think down on myself.. in fact I would say almost never!! I am pretty happy with who I am. I see what I create and I say to myself "wow that was really good!" I see myself in the mirror and I say.. I look pretty good. I take care of myself (for the most part.. sometimes I don't do laundry as often as I should, but I shower daily, I take my pills, I brush my teeth etc.) So what is my failing then? I'm having problems going to classes. I guess a little part of me doesn't care about going to them but the real reason I can't keep going to them is actually incredibly irrational. I feel that I've skipped to many, and my attendance is less than perfect. Because I've already screwed up I feel like I can't go back and fix any of it. However I don't feel hopeless like I usually do in this situation. Which I also think is a relatively good thing. Even though I said I don't really care that much, I do. I hate to think what the professors think about me, and that I've probably lost their respect. But at the same time I don't let it weigh me down to depression.

I see myself slipping a little, but I want to finish college. I don't want to be that person who didn't graduate. Honestly I don't know what I want my major to be. I kind of have a relative idea of what I want to do as a career but at the same time I have absolutely no idea.

I'm actually considering that maybe since I've had a switch in hormones (aka pregnancy) I might no longer need the prozac. but I don't know for certain if that's it. I haven't had a med check in years now. And maybe this slight lack of motivation is actually because I'm happy and the pills are making me a little too comfortable? I think that's the word I'm looking for. I've basically become neutral almost? but not.. I mean I do care, and I'm happy so it isn't neutral. Content is the best thing I can think of. but that's not quite it either..

anyways. so there are some things that need to be done, things that need to be discussed.. and other things that need to be enforced so to speak. I need to think about other things too..

What do I do to relax?
What do you want to do as a career?
What do you like to eat?
What kind of people do you like to be around?
What do you like the least?
What is your idea of a perfect date?
Where would you like to visit?

I'm fairly certain that I can't answer most of those questions.