So talking happened with people and things have been straightened out. I'm very glad. much relief. yadda yadda.
I think I shall go to the knitting group at zotz later tonight. YAY FOR KNITTING!
YAY for getting things organized and less stressssssssed!!
I think I shall go to the knitting group at zotz later tonight. YAY FOR KNITTING!
YAY for getting things organized and less stressssssssed!!
So I pretty much failed my Spanish test. I definitely took on way too much when I said I could do this class. I am feeling really gloomy about it. I woke up at 5:45 to take a shower and study but then accidentally fell asleep again at 7:30 and BARELY woke up in time to go take the test. I was really upset about the whole thing. I had planned on finishing my homework then too. So I not prepared for either class today.
In other news you can put facebook language settings to pirate. that was tres amusing! blah blah.. anywho I've made some appointments to meet with people and talk about what to do - yadda yadda..
anywho I have to get ready to go to one of those meetings.. laterz
peace out.
In other news you can put facebook language settings to pirate. that was tres amusing! blah blah.. anywho I've made some appointments to meet with people and talk about what to do - yadda yadda..
anywho I have to get ready to go to one of those meetings.. laterz
peace out.
is this all my own doing? why do I miss her? I didn't even know her. I won't ever know her. do I want to be this way? is the reason why this happens my fault? can I stop it? sometimes I think I just want to be that way. I want it go back to how it was. I want the old me back. no one else does. why not? it's not what they want. but do I really want it? I'm not sure.
wow I just reread something I don't think I've come across for a very long time. if I'm right about who wrote it.. then I don't know what this means but i definitely felt my heart jump. I think I miss him. maybe it's just the time. I'm just tired. no reason to mention/think about it. he def. doesn't miss me. he has someone new.
wow I just reread something I don't think I've come across for a very long time. if I'm right about who wrote it.. then I don't know what this means but i definitely felt my heart jump. I think I miss him. maybe it's just the time. I'm just tired. no reason to mention/think about it. he def. doesn't miss me. he has someone new.
Why is it that I am so weak willed? Outside of the situation I'm confident I know what needs to be done. I have decided. But once there, I totally lose it. I doubt. I cower. And finally I fold.
But how do you know if you're right? I mean if I knew that the choice I was making was the right one I could make it with no hesitation. But I don't know so I feel like I can't make the decision and if someone doubts it (least of all me) I have to revaluate. And so the cycle continues.
What I find to be even more disgusting and more pathetic is the fact that I know this about myself and yet I do nothing. I attempt to change but let's speak plainly: you either change or you don't change. you do or you don't. there really isn't this hazy grey area of "trying" that people speak of. I don't get an A+ for effort. In fact I just end up where I started. except with less energy, less time, and less will power.
-->growl<--
If only I had a way of knowing the future. arg! I guess I'm out of luck for now. I know people say "it wouldn't be life if it was preordained!" blerg I say! BLERG! it would be nice to know some things; but, yes, I understand their sentiment.
In other news I was looking at prices and care for alpacas!! they are the cutest things!! I also found out that there is totally an alpaca farm in louisiana!! fo' sho!!
But how do you know if you're right? I mean if I knew that the choice I was making was the right one I could make it with no hesitation. But I don't know so I feel like I can't make the decision and if someone doubts it (least of all me) I have to revaluate. And so the cycle continues.
What I find to be even more disgusting and more pathetic is the fact that I know this about myself and yet I do nothing. I attempt to change but let's speak plainly: you either change or you don't change. you do or you don't. there really isn't this hazy grey area of "trying" that people speak of. I don't get an A+ for effort. In fact I just end up where I started. except with less energy, less time, and less will power.
-->growl<--
If only I had a way of knowing the future. arg! I guess I'm out of luck for now. I know people say "it wouldn't be life if it was preordained!" blerg I say! BLERG! it would be nice to know some things; but, yes, I understand their sentiment.
In other news I was looking at prices and care for alpacas!! they are the cutest things!! I also found out that there is totally an alpaca farm in louisiana!! fo' sho!!
I just wanted to see what would happen to ravelry when I posted here.
So here is the first little turtle I've made! It's sort of cute but mostly strange. Kind of an experiment. I definitely should have stuffed it with cotton instead of beans (such a bad idea!) my brother likes to use it as a blackjack/turtle-y weapon. anywho I'm really proud of it because it has been one of the few projects I've actually finished!! w00t 
This is some of my new yarn. I really <3>
YAY! another really awesome new yarn! I think I'll use it to make socks. I found this really cool pattern online called Clessidra. It's all kinds of awesome (it has cables and everything!!)
I bought both of these yarns at Yarns2Ewe
it's this really great shop I found! Really nice ladies! very helpful!
This is the never-ending sweater. I feel like I've been working on this damn thing for my WHOLE LIFE! blerg! But really it's only been 3-4 years (still way too long) I can't even remember any more. I really want to finish it but I don't think I can.. :c I should have more faith in myself.in other knitting news: I joined an online knitting forum called Ravelry and it's pretty much the coolest thing ever. Until I found this OTHER really cool website (well actually my friend found it for me) called Etsy. It's this place where you can buy/sell handmade items. A wonderful place for small-time artists of almost ANY nature.
To the muse of the blogs:
Very often I wish I could make the things I write sound better than they do. But honestly, the things I take down are so very mundane. They are completely ordinary. There is nothing pretty or glamorous about what I have to say. And yet I feel the need to let it out. I want to let go of it, even if there is not much to release. Why is this?
If what I have to say is not important, not moving, not in any way dire then why write it? Why say it? What forces me to dwell in the fact that I am not special and try and rectify it? It's sad that sometimes I think the very fact that I am mundane and ordinary makes me worth talking about.
There is nothing extra-ordinary about me. I'm not particularly gifted in any one field or talent. I tend to just float. So very mediocre and so very average. I get by. There's nothing here that ever overwhelms anyone with some sort of emotion. I'm easy to look over.
Why does it matter? Why do I care that I'm not the center of attention? That's incredibly infantile of me. Not to mention narcissistic. For some reason I can't help but want to be noticed. But there is nothing worth looking at, there is nothing there to notice. This forces me to think of Ayn Rand's book "Fountainhead." I don't want people to dumb down greatness just because I fail to achieve anything spectacular. It will only spit upon all of those masterpieces in every genre: literature, music, art, history, science, religion, philosophy and so on. Because of that fear to trivialize those awe inspiring works, I cannot ask people to like me or take interest in me since I am none of those things. Since I am far from being splendid or marvelous.
So at the end of the day I'm left with this horrendous feeling of emptiness, worthlessness, loneliness. And because I feel these things, I am ashamed and embarrassed because they are shallow thoughts and shouldn't be acknowledged. And yet I do notice them and I do give them credit.
This just continues as a horrible masochistic cycle. I relentlessly beat myself over and over until there isn't anything left. Then I manage to break through and escape. I start to gain my confidence, my courage, my self adoration. But it never lasts very long. Soon the thoughts creep into me. The ones that tell me I'm a glorified nothing and that I shouldn't be so ignorant to think that my self-centeredness and arrogance is some what justified. Doubt. That's all it takes a second of doubt and then I'm done for.
Then the cycle continues.
Sometimes I find that thinking is bad for me. Before you pass any judgments on me let me explain:
When I am in particular states of mind (mostly when I believe I'm being clever) I forget that on average I am, in fact, not. One of these occasions has come to pass as I was signing in on my computer. I know my basic password. I type it in on a regular basis and therein should know it. But as I was doing so it had that little "forgot" bottom near the bottom and I became intrigued as what I put. The hint was "french" of course I got my reference and then tried to type it in. But at this point the computer figured I had truly misplaced my password instead of crying wolf; so in place of my normal password I had to type in the filevault one. At first I thought "oh! this must be [insert the password I use for filevault]" and went along merrily. However, I was very mistaken. I guess at the time I decided to make filevault password I thought I was clever and put something even I wouldn't remember. Great. So now I'm stuck with a regular password but if all else fails I'm screwed. yay. for. technology. w00t.
As the day ends, and the sun sets, I think about what I've accomplished today. It's only six but it feels like 10 at night! oh and yes, I have done absolutely nothing. I feel like a productivity mishap.
The shower is in the bathroom (where it should be) and it keeps calling me to bathe, but I keep getting distracted or just interested in something that, at the time, seems much more important than hygiene. Why is this? I feel gross and I know that as soon as I step into that show I'll be more than happy (showering is like a very warm and cleansing naked hug); but for some reason I keep avoiding it. Do you know why?
First I think about how I would have to put on clean clothes for only three or four more hours before I change into pajamas again. And, then how it might be cold outside and my wet hair would make me sick. Then I think about the other things I could be accomplishing whilst I take a shower, which don't end up happening. Maybe I'm just lazy. But then it came to me.
Oh no. I have shower anxiety.
It sounds exponentially moronic in my opinion. I realize that isn't the real problem. I'm just kidding myself to think that I might be scared of taking showers. Are there people who do get frightened at the thought of bathing? I feel bad for them.
No, what it is in all actuality is test anxiety. This week is final week here in college and I feel less than prepared. However I do not feel that I could even begin to prepare myself at this point, which leaves me feeling horribly distraught, stressed out, and hopeless.
I know I need to just start studying. But for some reason I can't kick myself quite hard enough to get it done! It's so very silly. I end up being even less prepared by not looking over the material at all which definitely increases my chances of failing, which is the very thing I'm afraid of.
God, it's a cycle I can't seem to break free from. And that is why I can't shower! I know that once I feel clean and good on the outside I will have no reason to keep putting off the studying. (my friend calls this zen of the mind). When I clean or organize my physical, tangible world, I feel better prepared to do things that require the mental realm of accomplishment.
Ugh. I guess that means it's time to shower.
