Right as my computer died I had a few really prominent thoughts that I felt had to be written. Although I may have screwed up again, it is a lesser of all the mistakes I have made in my life. I am not doing anything harmful to myself. I do not think about it. I do not want to die. In fact I would say I'm pretty happy. There have been some problems however: I sort of don't care about things, but it the best way possible! I'm not upset when something bad happens. But at the same time I'm not really motivated to do much of anything. It's funny I see myself doing things like taking pictures, and being happy with the creative process. In fact I hardly ever think down on myself.. in fact I would say almost never!! I am pretty happy with who I am. I see what I create and I say to myself "wow that was really good!" I see myself in the mirror and I say.. I look pretty good. I take care of myself (for the most part.. sometimes I don't do laundry as often as I should, but I shower daily, I take my pills, I brush my teeth etc.) So what is my failing then? I'm having problems going to classes. I guess a little part of me doesn't care about going to them but the real reason I can't keep going to them is actually incredibly irrational. I feel that I've skipped to many, and my attendance is less than perfect. Because I've already screwed up I feel like I can't go back and fix any of it. However I don't feel hopeless like I usually do in this situation. Which I also think is a relatively good thing. Even though I said I don't really care that much, I do. I hate to think what the professors think about me, and that I've probably lost their respect. But at the same time I don't let it weigh me down to depression.

I see myself slipping a little, but I want to finish college. I don't want to be that person who didn't graduate. Honestly I don't know what I want my major to be. I kind of have a relative idea of what I want to do as a career but at the same time I have absolutely no idea.

I'm actually considering that maybe since I've had a switch in hormones (aka pregnancy) I might no longer need the prozac. but I don't know for certain if that's it. I haven't had a med check in years now. And maybe this slight lack of motivation is actually because I'm happy and the pills are making me a little too comfortable? I think that's the word I'm looking for. I've basically become neutral almost? but not.. I mean I do care, and I'm happy so it isn't neutral. Content is the best thing I can think of. but that's not quite it either..

anyways. so there are some things that need to be done, things that need to be discussed.. and other things that need to be enforced so to speak. I need to think about other things too..

What do I do to relax?
What do you want to do as a career?
What do you like to eat?
What kind of people do you like to be around?
What do you like the least?
What is your idea of a perfect date?
Where would you like to visit?

I'm fairly certain that I can't answer most of those questions.

do I want to die? or do I just think that it's bad right now and I'm panicking? is this legit? or am I just another whiny emo punk ass kid? I don't want to be sad. no one likes the sad me. I don't want it to happen again, I really don't.. sometimes I just get so caught up in the small shit that I get messed up. I don't want to be sad.
I don't know. I just feel helpless and guilty and horrible I guess
horrible because it all honesty I'm not helpless
guilty that I try and excuse my behavior with "helplessness."

I can't tell if I'm doing this to myself because I can't stand where I am, or if I'm bored, or if I truly don't care, or if I'm trying to ruin myself. I legitimately don't know. all I know is that I'm showing signs of depression again. I don't know if I'm actually depressed or I just choose to do these things and enjoy them. I mean I really can't tell. maybe I'm just using the depression as an excuse to get away with the things I know I shouldn't be doing. maybe I'm just full of lies and mistakes. I can't figure out my own intentions. That's pretty bad right? I mean if any one is going to know, it has to be me. maybe I'm just set on repeat and this is only a bigger badder version of things I've already done. I don't know. I know that I should be aware of all these things.

I don't actually feel depressed I don't think but then again maybe I just haven't pushed myself far enough.

see the problem is the catholic guilt. I'm already starting to feel it come creeping up. and soon that will be the only thing that I feel. it will warp into this horrible monster and then continue to consume me, devour me until there is absolutely nothing left. and then I will feel alone. well I guess that has already kicked in. I feel terribly alone. I seriously considered things I haven't done in years. YEARS! I don't want to go back. but at the same time I feel stuck like I can't go forward. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and uneasy. I feel trapped and confused. I feel like I'm suffocating. and I can feel myself panic because of it. I'm aware that I'm sinking and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know if I want to stop it. maybe being aware means I want to stop it? I'm not sure. I don't want to go down that road again, but I feel like I don't have any options: either quit altogether, or sabotage myself beyond recognition.
if all I really want is to be happy.. then I should be able to achieve that. however I don't just want to be happy. I want those around me to be happy with me. I want them to be happy at me be proud of me to know me.

if I am depressed, then how long has it been? how much of what I've done is considered to be part of the depressed me?

I have no one to blame but myself. (see the guilt is back on schedule)

the only person who can change my situation is me. I know this for certain. and yet I feel helpless. I feel like a victim. I think part of my brain wants me to feel that, so I can excuse myself. maybe I just use the depression as an excuse.

what really makes me happy? what do I really want to do?

do I really think he raped me? do I act rash sexually as some sort of penance to him? do I regret giving her away? do I wish that my parents would have really supported me no matter what? do I resent them for that? do I use her to create a false sense of sadness in myself? do I use her to make me feel like a victim???

I feel a shadow or shroud just pushing down on me. I'm feeling sad. I don't want to go back. but right now.. it almost seems worth it.

deception is such a nasty idea. I really hate it. why do people run around saying one thing and doing something completely different? just give me the truth. I realize that more often than not the truth hurts. I hate pain just as much as the next person. but lying. I just can't stand it. I can deal with those other stupid things. but now I just can't trust you. what's worse is that I don't think I want to anymore either.

So talking happened with people and things have been straightened out. I'm very glad. much relief. yadda yadda.
I think I shall go to the knitting group at zotz later tonight. YAY FOR KNITTING!
YAY for getting things organized and less stressssssssed!!

So I pretty much failed my Spanish test. I definitely took on way too much when I said I could do this class. I am feeling really gloomy about it. I woke up at 5:45 to take a shower and study but then accidentally fell asleep again at 7:30 and BARELY woke up in time to go take the test. I was really upset about the whole thing. I had planned on finishing my homework then too. So I not prepared for either class today.

In other news you can put facebook language settings to pirate. that was tres amusing! blah blah.. anywho I've made some appointments to meet with people and talk about what to do - yadda yadda..

anywho I have to get ready to go to one of those meetings.. laterz

peace out.

is this all my own doing? why do I miss her? I didn't even know her. I won't ever know her. do I want to be this way? is the reason why this happens my fault? can I stop it? sometimes I think I just want to be that way. I want it go back to how it was. I want the old me back. no one else does. why not? it's not what they want. but do I really want it? I'm not sure.

wow I just reread something I don't think I've come across for a very long time. if I'm right about who wrote it.. then I don't know what this means but i definitely felt my heart jump. I think I miss him. maybe it's just the time. I'm just tired. no reason to mention/think about it. he def. doesn't miss me. he has someone new.

Why is it that I am so weak willed? Outside of the situation I'm confident I know what needs to be done. I have decided. But once there, I totally lose it. I doubt. I cower. And finally I fold.

But how do you know if you're right? I mean if I knew that the choice I was making was the right one I could make it with no hesitation. But I don't know so I feel like I can't make the decision and if someone doubts it (least of all me) I have to revaluate. And so the cycle continues.

What I find to be even more disgusting and more pathetic is the fact that I know this about myself and yet I do nothing. I attempt to change but let's speak plainly: you either change or you don't change. you do or you don't. there really isn't this hazy grey area of "trying" that people speak of. I don't get an A+ for effort. In fact I just end up where I started. except with less energy, less time, and less will power.

-->growl<--

If only I had a way of knowing the future. arg! I guess I'm out of luck for now. I know people say "it wouldn't be life if it was preordained!" blerg I say! BLERG! it would be nice to know some things; but, yes, I understand their sentiment.



In other news I was looking at prices and care for alpacas!! they are the cutest things!! I also found out that there is totally an alpaca farm in louisiana!! fo' sho!!